The Wry Eye Christmas Diet Poem

Christmas Day is done & gone
And now I feel so yuck.
I’m fat & stuffed & way past full,
I hope my scale is stuck.

It wasn’t Christmas dinner,
Not turkey, ham, nor duck.
But all that cake & chocolate
That makes me want to chuck.

I didn’t mean to do it,
And I feel like such a schmuck.
For eating with such fervour,
That I weigh more than a truck.

It’s now all done & in the past,
I must regain my pluck.
I need to eat a whole lot less,
To skip that nip & tuck.

It’s time to knuckle down again,
And wade out of this muck.
I just can’t wait for new year’s day,
That trend I need to buck.

Instead, I’m on the wagon now,
With courage & with pluck.
I’ll screw it to the sticking place,
I’ll slapshot with that puck.

It’s here, it’s now, it starts today,
I’m done with all that guck.
If I don’t get it right this time,
My life will surely suck.

You’ll wonder how I got this far,
Without me saying … Luck!
I’ll need that too but saved one more,
Should things still run amuck.

I’m sure that you can guess this word,
And no, it isn’t cluck, nor struck!
And should I need it, I’ll still be…
One very fat Canuck!

©Paul Walsh 2019

Our Menu Options Have Changed

Our Menu Options Have Changed

Ducks Don’t Care!

If you have any influence on your company’s voicemail system, do me a favor & get rid of anything that comes even close to it saying …

“Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed. Blah, blah, blah. Yada, yada, yah!”

Everyone’s shaggin’ menu system has changed. We don’t give a duck! Stop wasting my friggin’ time telling me about your menu system. I really & truly don’t give a flyin’ duck about your menu options. Just tell me what they are. Without having to listen to your preamble in that pathetic sniveling professional e-voice. As it wastes yet another two minute packet of my time.

And when did the damn thing change anyway? I’ve been calling your bloody company for 5 years now! Does it change every damn week or what? And even when you tell me it changes, why does it always sound the same? If you’re going to drone on about changes, at least entertain me by telling me what the changes are.

Do you think your company is the only dumb company I call? I don’t remember what number I pressed last time, so chances are I’ll have to listen to your stupid menu options anyway. So quit telling me to do that. Cut to the chase. Gimme the options. Now!

You shouldn’t worry so much about the clowns that hit the wrong number. Worry, instead, about the people you are pissing off. Who will then deliberately hit the wrong number, just to piss off someone at your place!

Not that any of it really matters. Since I know I’m probably going to get voicemail anyway!