So it’s been a week now, since I started this stupid walking thing. That dumb app buzzes & flashes whenever I’m idle for too long. Ever the sucker for those bloody marketers, I bought a new fitness band too. It’s the same brand as my phone & the app, so they all hold secret meetings together, planning on how to get further into my head. And under my skin. They incessantly vibrate on my wrist, in my pocket, & in my ear. It’s orgasmically terrifying. I can’t enjoy a nice lounge on the couch anymore. It’s just brutal.

Then, when I go out for the damn walk, I’m surrounded by these silly little critters. The cavorting squirrels, the oh-so shaggin’ cute little chipmunks, quacking duckies, & soaring eagles. Or are they crows? I don’t feckin’ know, this whole nature thing is for the birds.

Then there’re all those people. All smiley & happy-like. Walking their dumb dogs. The dogs always want to be petted. I feel like I have to do it. Then they wag their tails off & grin at me, tongues flopping out of their mouths with joy. What’s wrong with those creatures!

Worst of all, you have to talk to all the people you meet. Why are they so happy? They’re out walking, for cryin’ out loud, what’s to be happy about!?!

Despite all these challenges, I’ve kept it up for the week. Mainly to keep the apps off my back. Talking about my back, I think I need to see a chiropractor. Maybe a chiropodist too. And I’m not sure if I need a replacement hip, or knee, maybe both. I’m almost wishing the aliens would abduct me & give me an otherworldly makeover.

According to the step-counting app, I’ve gone from the 82nd percentile, all the way up to the top 30% already. Proving, once again, that most people have way more sense than me. The “average” person is at the 41st percentile. Why not 50%? Or is that the median? I don’t know, but now that I’m above average, I never felt less like a winner. I’m a total bloody crock & I’m making absolutely no promises about keeping up this walking thing.

Do I need a walking stick? Hurrruuump! 😜😁